Emily June 6th, 2019

I had my first dream of you since you were taken from me, last night. I had been wishing & willing for it to happen for a long time, just wanting to see your beautiful face, hear your voice and to see me & you back together again but I wasn't prepared for how I would feel after. Just empy. I just feel so empty Darcy. I got frustrated at my body for waking me up and ending the dream. The dream wasn't over, but your life shouldn't have been over the day you died either. So now I find myself wishing that I don't dream about you because in some small way I'm having to let you go over & and over again. But I don't want to never see you in my dreams, or for it to feel normal that you're alive, even if it is only when I sleep. It upset me because in my dream you were poorly. You wasn't feeling well and I was looking after you. I have realised recently this was our 'norm.' So much so that I didn't realise just how often you felt poorly. I'll look back on photos and say to daddy, 'Do you remember this day? She wasn't feeling well so we had to leave early.' or 'Do you remember this photo? She's smiling so big but she felt so rubbish that day.' It makes me so, so sad. So when you appeared in my dream and you wasn't your normal smily self, but sad & poorly, it broke my heart. I hope that's not how you felt, like you had to fake smiles. I hope you smiled because despite what you were going through, you were happy just to be around your family & friends and you enjoyed every second of life. Deep down I know this to be true, but on hard days I do wonder. Now, my only wish for you is that you are living life somewhere, the way you should have always. The way every child deserves to. Free from pain and worry, just smiles every moment of every day. I so wish I could be there too to enjoy it with you but I hope that one day I will be, and that will be the greatest day of my life. To be reunited with you and to have you jump into my arms once again. I love you so much, Mummy x