Finding the right words to say today has been so difficult. There isn’t much I could stand here and say about Darcy that most of you sitting in front of me didn’t already know. She was one amazing child. 

When Darcy was alive I set up her own email account. It has been live for a few years now and she has over 30 emails already sat there waiting for her to read. The idea was that when she got older I would give her the details and she could log on and read all the emails I have sent her over the years. I wrote to her about the good and the bad. 

I hope you don’t mind if i take this time to read my latest email to Darcy out loud.

Hello gorgeous girl,

Firstly I’d like to say how proud I am of you. I don’t think you will ever realise how much you have inspired not only me, but everyone you met. Look around this room and see how much love there is for you.

These past few weeks have been so hard. Mummy and daddy went from immense joy, the day we brought your much longed for baby sister into the world, to the depths of despair, the day we lost you…all in less than a week. We have waited to be a family of 4 for 9 long months and it is just so cruel you only had 5 short days with your sister, and only 2 of them were spent at home. I’m so sorry you didn’t get longer but I know you would have made the best big sister. I promise I will talk about you to Bea, every day. I will tell her how lucky she is to have you as a big sister. Wherever you may be, I know you will be looking down and protecting us. Just like you did when you was here with us. 

I can’t pretend I know why you had to go so soon or say i understand why God chose to take you from us, because i don’t. But what I can say is I do know why you were here on earth. You were sent to teach us all how to love and how to live. You were truly one of a kind Darcy, a child so full of happiness and laughter and such a wise head on young shoulders. I often asked myself what I had done to get so lucky to be your mummy. You were and always will be one of my greatest achievements. My soulmate, my best friend. 

Right up until your last moments you fought with such bravery and courage. Please send some of that braveness down to me and daddy. We don’t know how to live without you. Our house doesn’t feel the same anymore. We can’t hear you singing to Kids Bop on your CD player in your room, or hear you practicing your reading book in bed with your teddies. I long to see you walk down the stairs after we have put you to bed and wonder which excuse you would have come up with to come down and see us this time. How I wish now we just kept you downstairs with us all night. In fact, Daddy will probably roll his eyes upon hearing this because often I did just let you stay with us, long after your bed time. I was such a soft touch but I enjoyed every second I spent with you my darling. From the minute you woke up, to the minute you ‘finally’ went to sleep, you made me smile and filled my heart with love.

I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for choosing me to be your mummy. I am eternally grateful for the 6 years we spent together. We managed to cram so much into them. I know life wasn’t easy for you but just know that there wasn’t a day that went by where I did not wish I could take all the pain away for you. I would have done it in a heartbeat. You put up with so much and never wanted to worry us by telling us how poorly you felt. You cared so much about other people, you often suffered in silence yourself. Mummy could tell when you wasn’t yourself though baby. I knew. I tried so hard to make you better, I hope you saw that. 

Our lives won’t be the same without you. Being your mummy is all I know. You came into my life 6 years ago and turned it upside down but I wouldn’t change one thing. 

if before you were born, I could have gone to heaven and saw all the beautiful souls, I still would have chosen you... 
If God had told me, "This soul would one day need extra care and needs," I still would have chosen you...
If He had told me, "This soul may make your heart bleed," I still would have chosen you... 
If He had told me, "This soul would make you question the depth of your faith," I still would have chosen you...
If He had told me "This soul would make tears flow from your eyes that could fill a river," I still would have chosen you... 
If He had told me "This soul may one day make you witness overbearing suffering," I still would have chosen you...
If He had told me, "All that you know to be normal would drastically change," I still would have chosen you... 
Of course, even though I would have chosen you, I know it was God who chose me for you

I could carry on speaking to you for hours and hours on end. But mummy will say goodbye, but only for now. Until we are reunited once again I promise to carry on writing to you. Darcy, you will never ever understand the amount of love I have for you in my heart. It’s too much for anyone to ever know. My first born, my best friend. Night night my angel. 

All my love, Mummy x